I work in a field of peculiar sexuality, a kind of Wonka’s — where everything is possible. Where people both meet their boundaries and find their expansion. Here, people run into themselves at levels deep below the surface. Either they didn’t ask enough of what they want, or they are too scared to state what they don’t want. And often it becomes a run-around: a reinforcing of old pain, simply because that is what feels familiar to their system.
For many men, not only in this field but in general, porn has been the fuel to our fantasies, it showed us everything we hardly dared to imagine. And even more, the next video - taking it a step further - was just a click away, the ol’ dopamine factory in the brain unable to resist it. Not only does the porn industry got us by the balls, they got us by the brain.
This has consequences. Men become desensitized, numb. Real sex — with real people, in whatever configuration — starts to feel boring, flat. Because it is never as juicy as porn: shot from multiple angles, edited, retouched, airbrushed. Sugar-coated. And when reality can’t meet the standard created by the mind, men retract into the mind instead. Contact with the body, with others, with the moment itself slowly erodes. This is often where addiction begins, and where loneliness creeps in — sometimes opening the door to darker outskirts, like the misogynist manosphere.
Desensitization creates a schism: between what one wants and the ability to ask for it.
When porn supplies all the imagery to satisfy a hunger or craving, our capacity to be creative around desire weakens. If you always go for fast food whenever you feel hungry, you lose your cooking skills — and eventually end up sick, depressed, and addicted. It becomes a self-reinforcing circle of unhappiness, and tissues, and the only way out is to start fantasizing again, to resensitize the brain, to come off the dopamine frenzy. And to allow for clumsiness, bloopers, if you will. Human sex is messy and clumsy, you often end up finding you have one arm too many, or wishing you had two more.
Back to Wonka’s, back to the fantasy.
I recently talked to a man who wanted to play more with dominance and submission and the fantasy was that he would be forced to perform oral sex on a woman. Now, that is an uncomplicated enough fantasy, and a great starting point. But how to de-porn this so that it becomes a felt experience of being overpowered, and of various forms of skin touching, with just one camera standpoint? And how to trust oneself, and one’s partner to be able to perform in such a way that no one gets hurt, physically or emotionally?
This is where consent comes in, and where you get to be specific (aka juicy). Because the more specific your request, the better the other person knows what is asked of them, the better they know if they are capable, and willing, to give that. The less mind reading is involved, the better. And dare to be clumsy, start somewhere, create a reference point.
Lets take this wonderful little fantasy of being forced to perform oral sex. How does that look, how is that not just your usual sex but a bit more forceful? Be specific. Does she grab you by the hair and force your head down? For starters? If you agree on this, try to work out as many details as possible, daring to be openly vulnerable about what actually turns you on, there is no shame here, just raw honesty about what moves us in the depth of our being.
And then…..do it.
Play it out, see how it goes, be gentle and afterwards reflect on the experience, what worked and what didn’t? You now have created a point of reference to fall back to next time: ‘grab my hair a little firmer then you did last time’.
This is the way back to feeling, to communicating, to getting what you need in order to be fulfilled and nourished, sexually and sensually because honestly, this level of attention and detail can be brought into everything, it creates ceremony in every moment.
Everything can be brought into sex, but it can be much more playful to bring sex into everything.